Friday

I'm not really good at the whole talking about Jesus thing. I rarely offer to pray for people and I mostly just keep my faith to myself. I've been told this makes me a lousy Christian, but I don't think that's true.

Its sometimes hard to talk about God when most days I know I'm not living up to the standard he sets. Which I'm fine with, and he's fine with, but not everyone else shares our opinion. I screw up a lot. I cuss way too much. Sometimes I have too much to drink and I definitely judge people with fat kids. So I keep my faith to myself. And I try to let those brief, fleeting moments when the hope in me outshines the other stuff say what I can't. My faith is private and I'm OK with that.

Because I do really love Jesus. I love who he is- kind and generous with his heart and patient to a fault. I love him for what he did for me. The whole dying on the cross thing, but also for sticking with me in the daily stuff. Because plenty of people can make one grand gesture but few people have the patience to keep reaching down their hand and pulling me back up when I'm down. Because he can take anyone- Anyone- and turn their life around.

Even me.

I don't really like to talk about it but I figured today was as good a day as any. Jesus is real. He is who he says he is. He is good and he really loves me. And you too.

I am the Lady Gaga of the Blogosphere.

This is what happens in my head when I sit down to write anything that is destined for public viewing:

I haven’t posted anything on my blog in a while. I feel bad. My grandma really likes my blog, I should post something.

Goes to café, spends last three dollars on coffee, opens new doc in Word.

Its been such a long time since I wrote anything. I’m such a loser.

Expectations are really high now.

Let me go back and read what I wrote before.

45 minutes later.

Wow, that was decent. That one part about the thing was pretty funny.

Whatever I write next needs to be even better.

It needs to be even funnier and then WHAM! hit you right between the eyes with the insight.

It needs to blow minds.

I’m not in a mind blowing mood. I’d rather drink another coffee. I want a brownie. Coffee... Brownies... coffeebrownies?!

Looks up espresso fudge brownie recipes.

20 minutes later.

Oh that’s right, I was writing.

What should I write about?

I'm so boring, no one even wants to hear what I have to say.

And I'm never going to be as funny as that one time I was really funny.

I’m like Lady Gaga. She always has to be crazier than the last time. What was with that egg thing?

Google pictures of Lady Gaga at the Grammys.

Yeah, I’m basically Lady Gaga, only I’ve plateaued. Sucks to be me right now.

Goes and buys boxed brownie mix. Eats the batter without cooking it.

And that’s why I never post anything on my blog.

Pictures For My Family.

I'm absolutely racked with guilt that it has been so long since I've posted anything on here. Most of the time I feel like I don't really have anything new to say but I guess that doesn't mean ya'll don't want to hear it. I don't have any words this time, though I am working on something. Instead I'll let these pictures do the talking. Grandma, now you can give people the link without embarrassment. Enjoy ya'll! More to come! (If you click on the picture you'll see a slightly bigger version.)





This is Sydney from my favourite spot, the top of the hill at Moore Park. My flatmate Erin took this for me!





This is me down in the CBD (Central Business District). A lot of the buildings you see behind me are from when Sydney was first settled. My friend Sara took the rest of these photos. She's fantastic!





Another one down in the CBD.





My friend Alex busking (playing on the street for money) with the Sydney Tower behind him. A lot of my friends do this. They are incredibly talented musicians and they'll make several hundred dollars a day doing what they love. Sick as!





Me at a farewell brunch for a friend.

Well, there you have it. A little glimpse at life in Sydney. We all have my amazing friend Sara Colee to thank for all the amazing pictures.

My New Paper Friend

This is my new friend. He's a paper crane. I made him. I've decided to name him Schroeder. Maybe tomorrow I'll make him a little paper crane family, but until then, he's on his own... Poor Schroeder...

My best friend always says that expectations are premeditated resentments, which I think is a really good thing to say. But this guy Jeremiah says that our gift in life is a hope and a future, which is also a good thing to say. I've been trying to live in the ticklish place between the two.

Not having expectations can be a really positive thing. If you refuse to hold people up to your own expectations, it will be that much harder for them to disappoint you. I realize that this sounds really defensive right now, but just hear me out... Putting expectations on people really just binds them. It keeps them from giving me all of whatever it is they have to give. Expectations say "What you have isn't good enough. I need this." If I lower my signboard of rules and requirements that I hold in front of others and simply let them be, I am much more likely to have fulfilling and satisfying relationships. Because its not until people fail to meet my standards that I begin to feel resentful. I am happy to just let others meet their own standards and gain whatever I can from that.

Then there's hope. Hope is really important. Because if you are alive, you have a dream inside of you. Dreams are what happens when your soul is breathing. Dreams are what feeds our hearts till we're full. And a dream without hope, without the possibility of fruition... that's just despair. I dream about beauty and life... and love. And if my dream exists without the smallest drop of hope to feed it, it will languish. It will fade. And it just might die altogether.

But hope is just two slides over from expectation, isn't it? Hoping a thing will happen- a door will open, a flower will bloom, a heart will love- precludes the possibility that it won't. But expectation says it must, which is a much more heartbreaking business.

Living between the two is like walking a tightrope, but its one that leads to our broadest possible future. This feels really complicated and I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job communicating it but I hope you can at least catch my drift...

Uninspired and Uninspiring... But Here is is Anyways

Clearly I've been a bit lax. It has been over 2 weeks since I posted anything and I would like to tell you that I have been off doing interesting and exciting things and not telling you about them, but that's not true. Mostly I've been working, reading, brushing up on my knitting skills and taking long walks in the park. Not exciting and not really anything worth writing about.

But also, I've been feeling rather uninspiring. Like I don't have anything interesting to say. I've found I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to open my mouth unless I have something to say that will amaze the whole room... That's a lot of pressure to put on myself. So I've also spent the last couple of weeks listening more and speaking less. I've tried to spend time finding beauty in the simple statements that move me from hour to hour rather than one grand statement that will define the day.

That's really all I have for you right now...

Here's a video I shot of me and Oscar in my favourite park. Enjoy.

Sunday Morning Songs

The Table

I’ve had a dream, of a place I’ve never seen. It’s a room but there are no walls, just a boundary between light and dark. In it is a large wooden table, cut out of the stuff of the earth. The table has no end and there is always just one more seat. There’s no lack of food, but that’s not the purpose of the table. The point is not what you eat while you sit there but who you’re sitting next to. There’s no pretension at the table; everyone is at ease with each other. There’s no ego to stroke or axe to grind at the table. Just stories. Everyone has a good story to share and everyone’s happy to listen. There’s a hundred different languages being spoken at once but no one seems to mind.

I think I’m dreaming about love in action. Actively loving the one’s you’re around. Freely giving of yourself and humbly receiving whatever others have to give. At the table we prefer one another in love and ask nothing in return. Our hearts are open and at ease. We never tire and we want for nothing. Anything we could have need of is in arms reach and our spirits are at rest.

I think it’s a pretty good dream.

Saturday Night Special

My Uncle Noticed I Had No Art on My Walls So I Got This.

My uncle (who has a glass eye) recently pointed out that the walls in my room are startlingly blank and he felt I should remedy that as soon as possible. I told him to settle down.

But then the other day I was walking through a garage with some friends and we noticed a pile of discarded goods from a former tenant. Among them was a bin of yellowed rolled up posters. We took the posters back to her flat and the first one we opened was this one:



I immediately called dibs and shoved it into my purse. Thanks Uncle Chuck. If not for your anal retentive attention to detail I might not have thought to lay claim to this masterful piece of beauty and proudly display it next to my desk area. What would I do without your wise council in my life? Lord only knows...

Sunday Morning Songs